Rights are available. Published March 2000 in spiritual e-zine, THE WORD
Once upon a time, there was a frightened little child named Ego. Through many lifetimes filled with terror, abuse, neglect, abandonment, and rejection, Ego had become very unhappy and very afraid. She saw life as an evil place that would only hurt her if she ever let her guard down, if she broke free from the self-imposed prison she had built around herself. Ego thought people were inherently bad and would harm her; she thought the world was dangerous and unsafe and would kill her. She felt so very insecure and inadequate and bitter and unloved and alone.
What Ego didn't realize was that the more she saw evil in the world, the more evil there was for her to see. The more she expected to fail and be hurt, the more pain and abuse would find her again and again.
"See?", she would scoff to herself, "I TOLD you it was all bad! There, see? It happened again!"
Then, she would build her walls a little higher, a little stronger. There, she would cringe on the floor, in anxious anticipation, hugging her knees to her chest, waiting for the next onslaught.
"Please, God," Ego would often pray, "Please let me just die and get away from this horrid earth. Let me leave it behind. Nobody will miss me. Nobody will care if I am gone. I could start over and maybe it would be better next time. Please, God, let it end!"
But, of course, Ego was also terrified of death, of leaving the earth and going to the unknown. She was sure she would be judged harshly there, too. She might even come back in worse shape in her next life ... oh, and think of what karma suicide would bring upon her! Besides, maybe there wasn't anything on the other side of death afterall-or maybe it was a place of even worse torture than he re on earth!
So she went on, day after miserable day.
Inside the safeness of her shell, Ego felt the most secure. She went about the earth wearing her masks, untouched by those around her and not daring to reach out and touch somebody else. Why should she try, she reasoned, if all she could expect back was rejection and abuse and more pain? Why bother?
Ego could not feel genuine joy, she could not feel genuine sorrow. Ego
felt nothing ... nothing except a terrible panic and dread so enormous and
wicked that it threatened to engulf her, eliminate her.
But, of course Ego would feel that way because inside, she had already
eliminated herself from the earth long ago. She did not see beauty when
it was all around her ... she resented the grass for growing because it
had to be mowed and she couldn't muster the energy ... she resented the
birds for singing because she forgot how to sing ... everything was shades
of grey; there was no color in her life at all.
The Angels wept for Ego because she was so despondent.
"We must do something," they agreed, "for Ego could be
such a fine teacher and gentle friend for so many if only .... if only .....
we could break down the walls, dismantle her prison brick by lonely brick
.... if only ...."
Over many lifetimes, with help from the Angels, Ego had become adept
at watching herself being abused and she could gauge when to get out of
the way of the bulldozers before she was crushed completely. Time and again
she would run away from the violence and opposition and addiction in the
nick of time, and for a brief moment, she would relish her own strength
and intuition. At those times, her energy would soar and she would accomplish
great things that inspired and amazed. The Angels were thrilled!
"My, God, Ego, just look what you have done!," others would
exclaim, "And all by yourself, too. You are very special and very wise!"
"Oh, pshaw," Ego would respond, embarrassed and feeling almost
guilty, "it was really nothing. Just a fluke, just a coincidence, just
a big nothing. Besides, the world really is a dreadful place, don't you
think, and I am sure to be hurt again very soon. This moment of triumph
certainly cannot last!"
And, true to her word, it wasn't long before Ego was in another abusive
situation, her energy gone again and her walls built higher than ever.
But, then the Angels intervened, as they could stand it no longer: The
Angels decided that the only way Ego could heal and be reborn, rebuilt,
transformed was for her to be totally destroyed, razed to the ground. It
must be done, they agreed, we have to start over from scratch.
Kapow! Ego was knocked flat on her back by a savage blow she hadn't anticipated.
Although a little angel voice deep inside had been telling her it was coming,
she had refused to listen and for the first time in her life, Ego couldn't
dodge the bulldozer in time.
From the throes of the greatest of all depressions, Ego was truly helpless.
She had given up entirely, deciding that she would rather risk the wrath
of God and commit suicide than risk another day on this evil, wretched planet!
"God," she prayed with humble powerlessness, "I give up!
I can't do this alone anymore. I need your help now."
The Angels smiled at each other in glee. This was it! The moment of complete
surrender that they had wanted. It was a cue, time for transformation.
They shook Spirit, the guardian angel and guiding one, who was asleep
deep within Ego.
"Wake up, Wake up," they sang, "Ego is ready now! It is
From the depths of her suffering, Ego heard a soft, loving voice begin
to speak: "It is all right, my dearest child, it is all right now.
The demons are gone and God is with you, to love you without judging, to
help you without question. All you need to do is take my hand and come with
me into the light."
Ego followed the loving Spirit out of the prison and into the forest.
She saw the true beauty in the ancient trees and the brilliant flowers and
the smallest mosses. She thanked God for the ferns and the birds and the
red deer crossing her path. She wondered in awe at the warmth of the sun
and the refreshment of the rain.
"This is your world," Spirit told Ego, "and if you simply
remove the sinister expectations from your thoughts, all the bad things
will go away. Poof! See? They are gone now. And all that is left is joy
and beauty and wonder."
For the first time in her many lifetimes, Ego really smiled. For the
first time, she felt such overwhelming joy inside that she thought her heart
would burst. She danced with Spirit in delight and she savored the unconditional
love that was hers and hers alone to receive and to give back. The demons
were gone. Spirit said so. The demons were gone!
"Now that you have seen who you truly are," Spirit told Ego, "I have another surprise for you: Your twinflame, your true soulmate, the Other. You asked for him long ago, but you could not have him then. You were not ready. You were in the darkness, so you attracted darkness; you are finally in the light and now you have attracted the Other, who is also in the light. He will teach you much, my child, so you must listen to his great wisdom and heed his guiding words. He will also give you much pleasure and you must learn to accept it. Know that it is real and that you deserve it. Trust the Other, Ego, always."
Ego was truly amazed by who she had become and she was eager to share
her new self with Other. She looked in his eyes and she knew him from forever
ago and always, for he was the reflection of her finest self. He told her
how wonderful and special she was and she believed him!
"Yes, it is true," Ego laughed and danced with giddy intoxication,
"Look who I am and look how very far I came to get here! I love me
now and I love all around me because I know about God's plan and I know
Spirit is always with me to help me stay on this new path. And now look:
I have found you, my Other, the one I lost so very long ago-and you are
me and I am you! Yes, life is good ... it is not painful afterall ... and
the world is beautiful! Yes! Haha!"
The Other truly loved Ego. However, he abhorred the path she had been
on, for he could not understand it. He could not accept that she had really
been there or that she had been helpless to stop it. He did not know Ego
then, nor did he want to hear about her experiences from the past. He adored
only the new Ego who lifted his spirits and brought him joy, knowledge,
peace and security.
Then, one day the Angels decided that both Ego and the Other needed a
test, to see how far Ego had truly evolved and to let the Other see part
of the old Ego, the one he never knew. So, just for a brief moment, when
Ego was not suspecting anything, Other reflected the face of an abusing,
rejecting demon from Ego's darkest days.
In horror and contempt, Ego scratched at the eyes of the demon which
were really the loving eyes of the Other ... she screamed at him and she
cursed him and she ran away to her prison of bricks and metal where she
cringed on the floor, holding her knees and crying.
"No, no, no ... it is coming back .... I recognize that demon ....
Spirit lied and it was not gone afterall," Ego wailed in confused hysteria.
"Ego, Ego, you still have so much learning to do, my child!"
Spirit came to rub her forehead and stroke her hair. "This was just
a test, my dear one, a mirror to show you who you were and how far you have
come and yet, how much more you need to learn. It was a test for the Other
as well. He is sorry, Ego, he did not mean to hurt you. But now he sees
who you were and he feels compassion and understanding. Now he loves you
just as you are and just as you always have been, unconditionally.
"There are no demons, Ego, except in your own mind. You create your
demons and you give them strength to hurt you. Now, stand up and say 'NO!
You will NOT hurt me because I am one in the light with the greatest love
in the universe!' And the next time you think you see a demon, remember,
it is not real. It is only a mirror of your own expectations. It is only
a lesson you still have to master. You must never stop learning, my child,
you must never stop growing. Now, go out into the light again and play.
Be with the Other for it is where you are meant to be. Go, now!"
With some trepidation, Ego left the brick and metal prison, never to
return again. She walked hand-in-hand with the Other into the majestic forest
and beside the rolling sea where they lived happily ever after.